Why Not Go Back?

Once the decision has been made.
A turning point reached, and Non contact has been achieved -  whats to stop you crumbling - its NOT easy to do and the temptation to return to "Normal" is huge - so why not do it? There is certainly a huge part of your brain that would rather deal with familiar horror than new stuff

there were two - maybe three things that kept me from turning around in the earliest weeks of non contact
1. Sunk costs fallacy
2. The Curse of the Monkeys Paw

Understanding "The Sunk Costs Fallacy" is really useful

 

Theres a great book "Thinking Fast and Thinking Slow" by Daniel Kahneman,  and also some good reference to it in the
"You are not so smart" book and website
book
Website

Summarised:
You may find it difficult to let go of something  you have invested heavily in - even though its not working. If a project, investment business or....relationship is not working - it is an ongoing and unfix able disaster  - you may still continue to throw resources at it.
Letting go of your now worthless investment -  be it invested time, effort or money -  can be so difficult that you will continue to add more resources to the "investment" even though the logical and rational parts of your thinking know that not only have you wasted everything you have already put in, but any new resources are simply swallowed into the same hopeless pit. Yet you do it  and continue to do it because you cant believe everything you have invested is wasted, and you console yourself by thinking - if you just keep adding a little more - it will come right. Your investment will pay off.

But it wont

In a narcissistic relationship the only thing you can change is yourself - you can put yourself out of harms way, but you cant change the narcissist - no amount of throwing your time, self respect and esteem up against that wall is going to make a dent. There is no sacrifice you can make that wont cause the narcissist to turn it into their own suffering and be about what they have to put up with. There is no challenge you can make which wont be met with incredulity and rage, and all that effort - just thrown onto the pyre of their ego will be burnt away and they will quiver in anticipation - waiting for the next thrilling instalment...of "Them".
There is no boundary you can put up they will respect - no withdrawal which wont be met with maximum resistance. If they cant get to you - they will use every player in the "game" they can exert control over to pull you back into place.
The longer this goes on - the harder it is to withdraw - as you have soooo much invested in it, and what with that, and the societal pressure to be normal gaining sufficient distance to see the problem with what your are doing can be enormously difficult.


The second and somewhat creepier thing which strengthened my resolve is the curse of the monkeys paw

 The curse of the Monkeys Paw is an apocryphal tale of what happens when you wish for things


In the story an elderly couple are given a cursed talisman - a monkeys paw - and allowed three wishes.
They have one - and wish for something simple and standard - I cant even remember what this is - probably money?
Later that day their son is killed and horribly mutilated in an accident.
They grieve, and then remembering the paw, they wish their son back - nothing happens but that night in the height of a storm there is a knocking at their door.
They stand frozen unable to bring themselves to open the door - wanting their son back - but knowing that what is on the other side of the door cannot be their son as they would want him to be, and in horror at what they have asked for they use their final wish to wish him gone again - without ever opening the door.

Why this story?

Short version
The horror behind me - the one I would be going back to if I turned around is too scary to contemplate.
Long version
Because I don't believe its possible to close your eyes to horror  - and abuse is horror - once they have been opened - once you have reached the tipping point you realise- you wouldn't be going back to a halcyon time - you could see it for what it is - a time of erosion and destruction of your self - I could not return to that - not - ever - crawl back to it - and that is what would have been required - I would have had to give up all of individuation and pretend it had never existed and been prepared to be beaten with my temerity  for even considering a separate and un agreed existence - ever again...
To step back into the stinking embrace of that corpse of a life - that's why I wont turn around and keep moving forwards - no matter whats in front of me - it cant be any more frightening than if I turned around, and the knowledge that I had done that - willingly.










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