So you think you've dealt with things.
(or I did)
The huge lump that dominated the landscape of your life,
the great big problem?
Woo hoo !
Everything is easy now
Roll on new life.
Once this huge thing has been removed and stopped distorting gravity around it I should be able to just get on with my happiness.
I see my nativity now!
The landscape was covered in all sorts of crap but I just couldn't focus on that because - well - there was this huge lump of a problem that was pretty hard to even look away from, and when you did it cast its shadow so far it affected everything as far as the eye could see. To all intents and purposes - it was the landscape. Yet really it was a very small portion of the landscape, but its effect, its effect was to dominate everything around it. It used up all the air, and head-space and opportunity to think..however, now its gone. There's just a big scar where it used to be.
As for the rest of the landscape, hmmmm, instead of the bowling green smoothness I expected there is just so much other detritus.
Sure there is the day to day, ordinary stuff, to deal with, that comes and goes like tides, but there is so much other stuff too.
There is just so much that needs dealing with. How have I ended up here. In this stupid and disrespected place..ok I know the answer to that, rhetorical, not a real question.
There is an adage:
"The lowest standard of behaviour you will accept is what you will receive"
and sadly I can see truth in it.
As I look at the landscape - huge parts of it are still completely messed up,
and need dealing with.
There are all sorts of bits and pieces, but I am saddest to see, with hindsight, that I have actually encouraged people to treat me badly, or at least much worse than I deserve.
The desperate need to please. The thrown in apologies that they didn’t deserve. The refusal to accept ones I did. The overuse of wiggle words and failure to put boundaries around myself, or even my horrible keenness to demonstrate my lack of them. Showing I would give without expecting reciprocation, demeaning my own skills, efforts and time. Behaviour almost guaranteed to attract the bottom feeders and those who's nature is to use others. Not intentionally, but harmful non the less, and as I interact with some of them now, the clarity in the way they fail to value me is so distinct it is shocking to me. Even those more naturally inclined to be generous in nature lower me in their priorities as I am "Easy going," "Laid back," never inclined to cause trouble or confront when I get less than is reasonable.
I'm not saying its wholly my fault and that I am to blame for the effects of being brought up in an emotionally abusive household. I'm further on that that in this journey, but I think I really could be to blame if I didn’t fix some of this stuff now I can so clearly see it. After all, I am going to rescue myself from this. There is no one riding over the hill on a white horse to save me, unless I decide to do it myself.
So here I go again, pretty poor tool kit (but I’m working on it) , a bit of determination and a lot of optimism. There are going to be some pissed off people around here soon enough. People who have some aspect of comfort, or opportunity at my current expense. People who are used to being a little bit more important than they are going to be.
Maybe they wont even notice? I am after all a very small thing. Perhaps the only real change will be in my head, but after all that really is where it matters. Perhaps I will simply be a little less like a moth, endlessly beating them self against the smooth glowing glass of bulb for no reward, and a little more like a hornet a little more ready to defend itself. I think the outlook and attitude which I approach the world with are quite important to my well being.
I am good enough for friendships as I am without having to give too much, be more pleasing, give up small pieces of myself. This is not what friendship should be, we should make each other stronger, feel more loved, not erode the other for our benefit.
It is ok to have needs, and I should not apologise for these, or try to make my space in the world smaller for the ease of others. I will not erase myself as a person. Especially for people who don't even notice, no matter what I was trained to do as a child. I am evolving.