What if I say, "I will never get over this?"
In order to answer this I have eventually realised that I will have to understand what the question means.
- What do I mean by This?
- How do I define Over?
This is that I was treated unfairly both as a person and by comparison to how others in my family were treated and treated themselves.
Over means expunged, that it wont matter or cause pain.
So it would seem that I cant get Over This.
It will never not be unfair - with a slight edge of cruelty,
and to be Over it would mean I had no compassion for myself.
I guess it is ok to not get over this I the way I understand the question.
But what can I do?
I don't want to hurt - I do want a fair chance at life, yet I cant change the past.
The only way forward to peace would seem to be through acceptance, but this is so hard for the child of an abusive background. When everything you have is hard earned by fighting and railing against what was offered to you. By refusing to give up what people tried to take away from you. When everything has been hard fought...to stop fighting?
Perhaps though then it will be over,
and this will not be defeat
it will be over because........I have won?
I know it wasn't a battle, but it felt like it.
So I wonder if I can I allow myself to feel victorious and call that and end.
Can I just say - "I have won?" Sure it has cost me but I think it may be time to do a little victory dance and move on.
To not be like the caged animal that continues to pace its allotted space even when it has its freedom. Or the prisoner that re-offends to be back in a familiar and safe place.
I think it is time to see what happy ever after is like.
Now I just need to put down some of these weapons.....although the thought of that is more frightening than I might care to admit.