In
trying to find a way to move on with my life I have actively sought
better ways to think, behave and deal with many issues from my past.
The
shock of being so totally separated from my family of origin and the
realization I desperately needed to prevent myself getting sucked back
into any active relationship with them caused me to substantially over
react in a very self defensive way. I re-evaluated almost every type of
interaction with a fear born of suspicion both the motives of others
and a failure to trust myself.
Retrospectively
I think what I did was not unlike pushing a swing to its limit so that I
have spent the year passing back and forth through where I should be,
but very little time actually there. Now however I am there with more
and more frequency as I settle into a new normal. The swing is slowing
and whilst I know I am still passing far too far out of both sides of
where I should be I am more and more confident of where that is and who I
will be when I get there.
I met the new "myself" a while ago
Sounds odd ? -it is.
Sounds odd ? -it is.
Especially
for someone like me who has wandered through the majority of my life
with no idea of who I was. I've talked about this in other posts - and maybe I'm not all that new at all, I have always been this person I just didn't see who I really was.
The
inability to "See " myself and allowing others to define who I was -
being a bit a a fractured and pieced together from whatever the latest
comments on me where made it difficult to define any of my own
characteristics except through the eyes of others, and just like a
review on amazon - people with the least pleasant things to say were
always the most likely to comment, so the view was never all that good.
How do you meet yourself?
I
tried one of those exercises you read with skepticism about self
parenting - so in a deliberately chosen quiet moment where I could not
be embarrassed by being a bit Wooo.. and not wanting to be caught out as
being that desperate or even in caring for myself there I was-
clutching a doll that was supposed to represent the child I had been and
I started a two way conversation with myself.
How does a conversation with yourself go ?
I had no idea, so I did what I would do in prayer as a child, I simply I asked for things I thought I needed:
I asked for answers.
I asked for someone to care.
I asked myself "Do you love me?"
and
I found that I could not only answer myself, but that I was wise, and fierce and compassionate as a parent or friend to myself. That if this was the person I am , this is the mother I am, then the cruel and sniping voice in my head really wasn't me - had never been me and that cruel "in head" voice that had spent so long criticizing me was from outside me. It was not how I would react to another person at all, It was just the learned echo of my parents voices and could be finally laid to rest.
Intellectually I had known this before, but I suppose I really had to compare it to who I really was, and to hear who I really was to really know that rather than repeat it as a mantra.
I found that I could not only answer myself, but that I was wise, and fierce and compassionate as a parent or friend to myself. That if this was the person I am , this is the mother I am, then the cruel and sniping voice in my head really wasn't me - had never been me and that cruel "in head" voice that had spent so long criticizing me was from outside me. It was not how I would react to another person at all, It was just the learned echo of my parents voices and could be finally laid to rest.
Intellectually I had known this before, but I suppose I really had to compare it to who I really was, and to hear who I really was to really know that rather than repeat it as a mantra.
Not a bad result from a little self-conscious teddy clutching in a quiet moment.
I have also joyfully found I can easily visit this soothing strong side of myself when I feel like I need a little help, a slight tilt of the head and briefly closed eyes and its right there - strong and comforting and always available. Who knew? and if they did - why didn't they tell me ?
Why is this important?
Because of blame.
I have felt a lot of Guilt and tried unreasonably hard to blame myself for any, or all, of the dysfunction I have experienced in my past. I have tried to find ways to absolve my parents and sibling of responsibility for the past at my own expense, because that is the easy solution to it all. I cant change them I can only change myself...and so, if I am actually to blame I can "fix this" - That would be the easy solution, but I can't, because its a lie. There really is no way for me to fix this. The fear that I cant do this because I am a bad person is also a lie, and I know this, finally, because I know who I am. after all, in an unguarded moment - I met myself.
In
a deeply troubled family I have been fortunate enough to have found a path that has
kept me safe. Although far too many people have sought to harm me - I have not
been brought so low I couldnt rise again. I am not untouched but I am very far from destroyed.
and in a very tentative way I am beginning to wonder if I might be quite ....nice.
and in a very tentative way I am beginning to wonder if I might be quite ....nice.